Chances are if you are reading this your relationship is in trouble. I’m also guessing that you wish this wasn’t the case and you really wish someone could help. If this is you give me a call, I really love working with couples. I’ve worked with couples of all ages on some tough issues. I want to help you work it out.
One of my favorite albums is the Dana Owens Album by Queen Latifah. It’s a bunch of really well done jazzy covers of old favorites and it really makes her voice shine. While Al Green has an amazing voice I really love to hear Queen Latifah sing the song Simply Beautiful. If you want to see an excellent rendition of the song just YouTube “Simply Beautiful, Queen Latifah and Al Green.”
It goes like this…
If I gave you my love,
I tell you what I’d do
I’d expect a whole lot of love out of you
You gotta be good to me
I’m gonna be good to you
There’s a whole lot of things you and I could do…
~Al Green, 1972
These words illustrate what relationship specialists Dr. John and Julie Gottman have found. You need to keep your partner’s “love bank” full. Gottman’s recommend a 5:1 ratio. That is 5 kindness to every 1 negative. The couples that are happy together look out for each other. This doesn’t mean a “happy couple,” doesn’t fight or go through some rough times. It just means that when things get rough they have learned how to repair the rift.
One of the things I often hear some version of, “I found my soulmate and now it’s supposed to be easy…” I’ll tell you, it’s not easy. Yes, some years are easier than others that’s true but ask any older couple how they did it and they will chuckle and say something like, “oh well you know, we always maintained our sense of humor.” Or, “we never went to bed angry.” That translates to, “we laughed at the wind even during a storm.” You can think of it like any good thing that must be maintained. A garden for example. You’ve got to weed and add in nutrients to keep the soil and therefor the plants strong and healthy. So, cultivate your relationship too
“I can’t stand it anymore, something has got to change!” You are right. I agree. If you feel that way I suggest starting to work on yourself. Think of it like this, you really wish things were different with your partner but they don’t seem interested in the changes you suggest. So, since you can never change any one other than yourself you think, ‘is there anything I’m doing to contribute to the problem? Or, is there anything in my personal life (outside the relationship) that I wish were different?’ If you answered yes to either question then start working on those things. If you start working on these issues it will actually start to change things in your relationship too. You will be happier because of the changes and your partner might see you are serious and decide to work on change too.
Below is a short list of common issues that I have experience with. This is by no means exhaustive.
Issues
Communication
People often come in to therapy citing communication is the crux of the problem and they often don’t feel heard or validated. Luckily with a little exploration and habit change communications can improve. We come from so many different family backgrounds and family styles that affect relational communications. Even the type of work we do can affect communication at home. If the communications aren’t working then other problems can’t be solved. Breakdown happens before you can even get to the “real issues.”
Money
As you know money is a symbol people created that has no value of its own. Yet the meaning of this symbol can be deeply personal. Any disagreements about money strike a nerve where it hurts the most. In some cases it can feel like a strike to one’s very survival and can become a breach of trust. You can create a unified financial plan together. I can help you learn to calmly and respectfully talk with each other about money.
Sex
Whether problem with sex are the primary issue or there has been a break down in intimacy because of other issues, work on this one right away. Working through sexual problems can help smooth over other problems and you will at least feel connected with each other while you work on the rest.
Children
Children need love, nurturance, kindness, respect, education, and consequences for misbehavior but they don’t come with an owner’s manual. Furthermore, every child is different so what worked for one may not work for the other. Also, personal values and family background will impact parenting styles. It’s ok to do things differently than your spouse. Never undermine your partner in front of your child. If you do have concerns about how your partner is parenting speak with them when the little one isn’t around.
Personality Differences
They say “opposites attract,” but it is also said, “birds of the feather flock together,” so which is true? Turns out both can be true. If you are a ‘birds of the feather’ couple you might feel pretty lucky that you are so similar, potentially less conflict. But if you are opposites then you can be quite the dynamic duo. Sometimes I will use a personality test to examine personality differences. It can be really helpful to understand the personality needs of your partner.
Mental Illness
Are you in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness? Too often therapists focus on the persons illness rather that strategies for improving the relationship. Often the you or your partner will need their own therapist but I can help you learn to work with the illness while also improving your relationship.
Physical Illness
When dealing with physical illness so many things change. There is the loss of abilities. There is the loss of the relationship you once had. There can be many changes things once enjoyed that can no longer be enjoyed. This can cause strains in many areas of your relationship. It’s your ok to morn the loss, in fact it can be helpful but it is possible to still find meaning and enjoyment of life and each other.
Trauma and Abuse History
There are different types of trauma or abuse, all of which can manifest problems in your relationship. You must understand the abuse and what the impact might be on your relationship. Even after recovery, there may be certain sensitivities, areas off limits, or you may unintentionally trigger your partner. If you have a trauma history, seek personal counseling for your trauma and PTSD.
Infidelity and Breaches of Trust
You can recover from infidelity. You can choose to stay together and rebuild trust. I’ve seen it happen. First you must end the affair. Then you must be completely honest with your partner about your actions. It will be necessary to explore reasons and risk factors so it won’t happen again. Rebuilding trust is a series of small steps that take time but you can trust again.
Infidelity could be its own category but I’ve seen other types of violations that have a similar impact on the relationship. For example, excessive spending or a secret credit card debt might feel just as much like a breach of trust.
Domestic Violence
Much like infidelity or other breaches of trust recovering from domestic violence can take a lot of personal work. You will need to work through the issues that let to this style of relating. Were you abused? Do you have an issue with anger? How has your behavior hurt your relationship? Stopping the cycle of domestic violence can be difficult and trust is hard to regain but it can be done.
We’ve had problems for so long maybe it’s too late for us…
It’s never too late if you want things to be different. You can change. You can rebuild your relationship and create it anew together. Together we can work to heal old hurts, change habits and increase shared meaning. It takes a lot of work to suffer with a relationship that isn’t working why not do the work to make your relationship better.
Unsolvable Problems
I saved this for last on purpose because if you are still reading then you should know Gottman’s say as much as 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable. So what do you do? Some will divorce yes, but others learn strategies to deal with these unsolvable problems. One of Steven Covey’s strategies from the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People is “win/win,” or agree to disagree. So, you’ve got an unsolvable problem. It often comes up you never find a solution. It’s the same ole fight. Compromise is an option but compromise just doesn’t seem right for the problem you are dealing with. It’s ok. You still love your partner. You still want to stay together. So, when you can’t find a win/win solution it’s ok to step back, accept the difference and cope with the problems that are solvable. Sometimes a solution will emerge in time but sometimes not. Keeping in mind that all relationships have unsolvable problems, can you accept this person just as they are?
If any of these issues sound like what you are dealing with, give me a call. 509-822-8747